Separating the Girls from the Women

On my birthday the other day, my husband gave me a very sweet and beautiful birthday card. It tells a romantic story of a couple meeting, marrying and living happily ever after. The story is about a "guy" and a "girl." Fortunately for me, my very-evolved husband edited each of the invocations of "girl" by striking it out and writing "woman" above it.

THAT'S one of the reasons I love him. He, too, knows and respects the fact that girls are non-adult female persons younger than the age of 16 and women are adults who are older than 16. Yet, it still galls me to see that Hallmark doesn't know the difference. Perhaps the card should have been written about a "girl" and a "boy." Oh, wait, that's right, "boys" don't get married. But "girls" do?

I've been on a personal crusade since my college years to not refer to women as "girls" and to educate others about the importance of calling grown up female humans women. I actually felt as if I was making progress in the '70s, '80s and '90s, and it seemed American culture was somewhat careful about the distinction. But I have to say that as a culture, I think we have fallen behind in this first decade of the 21st century.

Aside from my husband's edited card, several other examples illustrate this backsliding:

• A National Public Radio story last year about Paris models showing the latest fashions included Susan Stamberg talking about the "girls on the runway." I e-mailed NPR expressing my concern. I never heard back and my comment didn't make it on the air. And, I have heard the word used to describe a female human older than 16 since then.
• The popular TV show Gossip Girl, about privileged high school students, adds to the glamour of the word "girl."
• Many 20-somethings I know routinely use the word to describe themselves and their friends. When I check out the Facebook pages of young women I know, I see that they use the word all over the place.
• For more than a decade my best friends (all accomplished, successful, smart, grown-up women) and I have gotten together once a month to cook dinner together. When we were trying to come up with a name for the group, "Girls' Night Out" was suggested. Of course, I delivered my "we're not girls, we're women" and "we aren't minors and we don't have to ask for permission for a rare night out, do we?" speech. Our collective creativity won the day and we came up with a name that blasted out the "Girls' Night Out" moniker and we cleverly turned the phrase into our own made-up word that has become the name of our gathering.

All I really want is parity. If all men were called "boys" I'd be fine with "girls." But, men are called men and women should be called women. Ladies and gentlemen -- if used in tandem -- is OK, but I always chuckle about the time I heard a very distinguished woman ask, "Who are you calling a lady?"

The point about what one calls oneself was vividly brought home to me about 20 years ago by a very close friend who is African-American. He said he'd been getting on his friends' cases for using the N-word to describe themselves. The friends thought it was OK if they used it among themselves, although they all agreed the word was atrocious if someone else used it to describe them. "How do you expect other people to understand not to use the word to describe you if you use it to describe yourselves?" he asked incredulously. He was right.

I sometimes ask those women who would call themselves "girls" the same question.

To see how this woman, a grown-up girl, makes her living in Public Relations, check out the Web site of my City of Chicago Certified Woman-Owned business, Kathy Schaeffer and Associates, Inc..

Comments

[Jo McCroskey]

I smiled as I read your blog about the use of the words girl and woman. It reminds me of playgroups in my young motherhood during which women debated the use of the words kids or children. Some people might think these are insignificant, however, I believe that the words we choose to express ourselves are important. They certainly convey meaning whether intended or not.

One of my personal peeves is at weddings when the officiant declares the couple "man and wife." “WHAT?,” I always wince and ask myself. He was always a man, so declaring him one at the wedding is absurd. You wouldn’t declare them man and woman after they said their vows. Everyone would recognize the blunder in that. This phrase recognizes that the woman has added a new role, that of wife, but not so for the man whose new role as husband is not mentioned. Why is this one sided? To me, this is a rather big error and yet it is made at most weddings without anyone noting it. I specifically requested that the pastor who officiated at my wedding not make this mistake and he did it out of habit anyway. Perhaps we don’t think about what we say enough.

I think the advent of email, instant messaging, and texting has brought with it a casual mode of speaking that is seen as appropriate in any context by those who use it. This is terrific when friends and family are staying in touch, but is not suitable for everything. Along with a relaxed approach to grammar, spelling, and semantics there seems to be a genuine disinterest in proper English. The value of a rich vocabulary allowing people to express themselves articulately has been lost; hence the vague nomenclature for women of any age and the prolific use of cuss words rather than more specific statements that would convey sentiments more effectively. We need to care about how we communicate and it would be wise to give more thought to everything we say as well.

[Kathy Schaeffer]

Sometimes it's good to take a second look at what we often say without thinking. Another one I'm hearing a lot lately is that something -- such as a dessert or a house or a view -- is "to die for." As I think about it, ever since 9-11 that phrase has really begun to bother me. What really is valuable enough "to die for?" I'll blog about that another time.

[Ginevra]

[this is good] I grew up with "girl" being an affectionate term among my friends. "hey gurrrrrrl" etc. So I never thought about it in any other context until another woman called my attention to the point. Words do matter.